Roles.

Still working on my father/ daughter devotional, due soon. Came across this passage, which was especially convicting and compelling in the Message translation. Lord, you know what You're talking about through this servant writer. And boy do I ever aspire to reach these statutes.

1 Timothy 2:9-10
“Since prayer is at the bottom of all this, what I want mostly is for men to pray—not shaking angry fists at enemies but raising holy hands to God. And I want women to get in there with the men in humility before God, not primping before a mirror or chasing the latest fashions but doing something beautiful for God and becoming beautiful doing it.” (The Message)

Devotional/ Devotion

"Out of necessity I became a 'translator', daily standing on the border between two worlds, getting the language of the Bible that God uses to create and save us, heal us and bless us, judge and rule over us, into the language of the Today (struggle between in but not of- John 15) that we use gossip and tell stories, give directions and do business, sing songs and talk to our children." Eugene H. Peterson, about the beginnings of writing his devotional The Message: Solo.

As I'm writing a father/daughter devotional for Antioch families, this struck me as a fresh conviction. Thanks Father, as you stuck this directly in my own devotional life to affect the work you're allowing happen through me. Pretty cool line-up you had in store there....

This quote, along with some daily devos I've been chewing on myself for the past few weeks, are provoking my heart and mind to ask questions of reason, for this project and my spiritual habits:

- Definition of 'Devotional' to the language world of Today:

Selections from Webster.... hehe

adj.

Of, relating to, expressive of, or used in devotion, especially of a religious nature.

n. A piece of music or writing about or pertaining to devotion; Of or pertaining to devotion or worship. A short religious service.

-Definition in the language world of the Bible:

“Remember, LORD, how I have walked before you faithfully and with wholehearted devotion and have done what is good in your eyes.” --Of Hezekiah
2 Kings 20:2-4

“And you, my son Solomon, acknowledge the God of your father, and serve him with wholehearted devotion and with a willing mind, for the LORD searches every heart and understands every desire and every thought. If you seek him, he will be found by you..."

1 Chronicles 28:8-10

Just a couple of excerpts, from the records of men who reaped a bold harvest from faithfulness- linked to devotion... But straightforward in reminding one of the purpose of devotion, devotionals (outlets to practice and express our devotion in a language of Bible) and the attitude in which we pursue the outcome of relationship with Christ. Devotion is a crucial element, including the act of a faith-driven life, and the heart behind one who chases it relentlessly.

As Oswald C. labeled his devotional work and I can identify with more now than ever before- I surrender this writing process and outcome to be my utmost for His highest. Your will be done, Father.

Provisions. Prayer. and Solitude.

I'm completely astounded at what God's done this summer. And what He's going to do with complete faithfulness this fall.

...Got a job. Back at Joann fabrics September 1st :)

Went in because I wanted to "cover my bases" for all job opps. possible. The manager, who was conveniently working at the front, remembered me from a resume I turned in mid-April, and hired me on the spot. "Oh, it's you! We need to meet sometime this week to fill out your paperwork. How does starting in the beginning of September sound?" Needless to say, a heavy sigh of relief escaped my chest, which I didn't know had welled up to such an amount. I was trusting that God would provide, but WOW, what a provision. One of many.

...Plugged into the college group- Sunday nights and Tuesday night girls' bible studies. The group is small, possibly going to grow as fall makes its way around... But I love it. The people are there with purpose; Bend is not known for being a college-town (even though it has amazing potential to be one, someday...), and the nights are held far north of town. These people want to be here, to be growing, nurtured, and in fellowship, whether over pizza or deep conversations. This Sunday, it was both. It feels natural and familiar to be there; this is something I wasn't expecting in such fullness, or right away. But He's granted it, to my absolute awe.

And all I have to say about these things is hallelujah. Over and over, every day.

"I could climb a mountain
Swim the ocean
Or do anything
But it's when you hold me
That I start unfolding
And all I can say is

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
Help me to sing hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
I'll choose to sing hallelujah" Bethany Dillon, 'Hallelujah'

I'm truly bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy. And it's astoundingly beautiful.

Boating, and the past week of intern craziness...

My oh my. It has been far too long since I've written. Time is truly going by so fast that I'm afraid to blink and miss the last three weeks that lie ahead.

A fellow intern has been posting daily about things that get to her heart and head, in a more abstract way than I'm used to-- And I'm thinking I'll try to let things splat onto paper versus plan out ways to bring up each topic. It's a freer way of writing and sounds more like a conversation than a formal journal entry.

Option day was today- There were choices to bike, go to Crater lake, and a couple of boating trips- I was lucky enough to get into the all-day boating trip with John Wytsma and Brian Rey.

Drove to the Prineville reservoir, hung out on a small side beach playing frisbee and reading, and folks went inter tubing and wake boarding. So much fun to tube, and to watch people muster up their strength on the board. Didn't get the courage to try it this time, but no doubt that I'll conquer it at some point. : )

I'm no longer restless with the fact that I haven't found a job yet. Occasionally nervous and apprehensive, maybe, but it's becoming easier to trust that God will pave a way, in a job I like or not, to prove His provisions and keep me here. I did find out a few more job opportunities to look into (and in places I'm actually interested in!) by talking with John and Brian. They say it's all about the people you know in Bend. Through prayer and petition, I trust God will lead me to the right people and situations.

There's something about the rain (which has been coming down in the last couple of days) that makes me miss Portland. Sure, rain is everywhere, and I love Bend so much, but there are things about your hometown that just stick to your bones. No matter how much I think I've fallen in love with Bend, these feelings of Portland nostalgia pull hard on my heart... And at times where I least expect it.

I was re-reading Donald Miller's 'Through Painted Deserts' today, and even though I could quote half the book and get my point across because his writing is so rich and easy to relate to, there were a few parts that stuck out to me more than they had in the past:

Everybody has to change, or they expire. Everybody has to leave, everybody has to leave their home and come back so they can love it again for all new reasons.

I want to keep my soul fertile for changes, so things keep getting born in me, so things keep dying when it is time for them to die. I want to keep walking away from the person I was a moment ago, because a mind was made to figure things out, not to read the same page recurrently.

There are just about a million and a half ways I can relate to these truths.

I moved for change, no matter how much I thought it was out of convenience or for what I thought were primarily logical reasons-- But then again, who says pursuing CHANGE isn't for logical reasons?

I've been feeling unambitious, because I can't make my mind up for the fall, and I can't get a more clear sound of where the Lord wants me to take a step. It's been scary to embrace uncertainty (a topic I've very much been in prayer and thought about, and reading vigorously), in not knowing things. Before this summer, I might have said it was scary to 'not have a plan'. But with some much needed perspective shifting, God convicted me of whose plans really exist and matter. There really is no such thing as my own plan-- My constructs of school, work, a place to live, church, ministry, and relationships only stand to be laid at my father's feet in prayer and surrender, to which I must have a trusting and joyful heart no matter the outcome.

I believe God meets us when we place ourselves in uncomfortable, stretching circumstances, when we have a heart seeking to grow from His presence in them. I see this in my social circle's travels, unexpected life changes, missions, marriage, raising kids, school, the list can and does go on for miles. In these physical or spiritual miles we walk in stride with Christ, He leads. He instructs. And I'm coming to realize my journey coming and being here will be an amazing adventure, with twists and turns down an inevitably bumpy yet joy-filled road that I couldn't begin to craft with the creativity and care He utilizes.

I love Portland for new reasons. Researching sex trafficking ratios and growth patterns burns my soul in ways I didn't know were possible. That's MY town, and God's people. My neighbors. The physical location is beautiful and distraught. I can't help but feel an obligation to pray, with a more succinct understanding of the city's pains, and know that God placed me there through childhood for a specific purpose.

To have a fertile soul, where I'm growing consistently- Communication with the Lord is a must. And a natural desire of my heart. After hearing Wytsma's first sermon of 'Heaven and Hell' last Sunday, I've been challenged to seek God in ways that go past feeling his presence, or doing doctrine for a sense of security--- I'm visiting the Lord in prayer about what a relationship looks like to Him. It's never something we will fully grasp, but it's been encouraging and forthright to see how He yearns to know us through noticing creation, friendships, and the countless blessings that shower my week.

There's more, but it's sunny outside, and it's nap time. : )

Human Trafficking Videos

An intern friend of mine and I interviewed Bend native, Antioch-er and Transitions Global representative Darcey Bridges about modern day slavery taking place in human trafficking last week. Got great stuff between the three of us, including an intriguing idea for a video project we are going to make a draft of and bring to Antioch leadership for opinions and the green light... to use it in service, to post on Antioch's page, or to use for other avenues linked to Antioch.

These are videos I'm collecting to pick apart- there's good and bad in each one, and we're set on displaying the reality of modern human trafficking, but in a way that the church isn't pressured in a guilty way to act upon, but out of heart and calling.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pr4xnWa1R2M

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z8zZYwWxtwY&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j71AzRIIUBE&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7b73SuftPWM&feature=relmfu Awareness and Resources

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=clAZT_YzY5U&feature=relmfu

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bHT8qLRb-Ws&feature=relmfu The "S" word

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vmc3_YVmZP4&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F91sfa7He68 Transitions Global- U.S.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mt8sGG2fC3I&feature=related New Abolitionist- George Fox

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E40c3pDD9KI&feature=fvwrel Portland Children Sex Trafficking

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JN1QRsEGfMU Portland.... MY Portland.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w_4e_5Bz2BE&feature=related

.... I don't think I've cried this much in years.

Email Update #1: Bend Goodness

Hello y'all- Bad me for keeping you waiting this long... Just been 'busy', you know? It's a summertime kind of busy- The kind that is so relaxing at times that you willingly push things like this aside, or are actually so busy that it's out of the question... I think I've finally found a comfortable in-between time where I can make this habit.

To fill in where I've been up to now:

I came a week before the other interns started to arrive, to actually move all my things to Bend (living pretty light, though- Didn't take that much), since it's my goal to stay out here for the fall and who knows how much longer. I knew once we came into the main part of Bend- The Old Mill District (it's like a shopping center, concert arena, all around a scenic chunk of the Deschutes, nestled in a place where you can see almost all the snow-capped mountain ranges of Oregon) that I needed to be here longer than the summer internship allowed.

It's a healing and rejuvenating place, and a complete answer to prayer after these last two years of spiritual dryness and confusion ("God what do you want for my life?" over and over)

I spent hours every day at the church office, helping out at the front desk, prepping stuff for the coming interns, organizing and cleaning etc. spaces. It felt so good to just be doing work, after having done nothing this last term (I took this last term off from school to save up for the internship and be ready for the move). It felt good to be needed and wanted.

Later, I would come home to Zach and Heather's (the amazing cousins I am living with right now, in their cozy upstairs bedroom they opened up for me!) and spend time with their kiddos, Megan (6), and their twins they adopted form the Congo in January 2011, Noah and Lauren (2 1/2). They are so sweet and precious, it was hard for me to get any work done while I was at home. Now I don't get to see them for days at a time, since it's non-stop work at the church and coffee shops and they go to bed right after dinner.

Noah clings onto anyone who will hold hold him for a long period of time, but he comes to me every time with arms open wide, and tries his best to sound out my name.

Lauren is obsessed with my nose ring and jewelry- She points to it, says it out loud as best she can, and says "Ooh" when I put on different earrings. Definitely loves the bling.

Megan and I are working on hand-sewing projects, which she is always super excited about when we get the chance to sit down and go through together. She sings the cutest made-up songs from everything about cleaning her room to making pudding. I love these kids. They bring so much joy that I felt I was lacking back into my life.

Got used to driving around in Bend faster than I thought I would. LOTS of round-abouts and very few left turn lanes. Streets turning into different names, and highway speeds of 45 mph.

This is, for sure, a very laid back town compared to what I'm used to. It didn't take me long to fall in love with the easy-going nature of people's sense of 'come as you are' and 'take your time'.

The coffee and the food. OH my lanta. They are absolutely to die for. Don't think I'll ever be selective enough to choose a favorite, but I've been to Thump coffee, Strictly Organic, Pine hollow, Backporch Roasters, the Looney Bean, and a couple others. Not a single cup has left me disappointed. That goes for the tea as well.

For food, I've tried Parilla grill, 10 barrel (Thai chicken/peanut pizza is delish!), Bend Brewing Company (killer sweet potato fries), Jackson's Corner (super sandwiches, located in an old-town residential area), Greg's Grill, Jimmy John's, and more.... No wonder rich people come here to retire. And I'm getting to know my server/ baristas' names.

We have 29 interns this summer, with a myriad of focuses. Some are interning with World Relief, a missional outreach organization with a media and graphic arts location here in Bend. My mentor Amanda works there (each intern is assigned an intern, and boy was I lucky to get her!), and she has an amazing heart for the Lord in serving with photography, administration, and media writing. She recently went to Uganda for a small team trip to connect with an orphanage/ school near Kampala and grow relationships with the leaders and children. Antioch is partnering with this organization- which means being bound to their steps financially, in prayer, and as fellow brothers and sisters in Christ as they lauch new parts of making their programs more efficient and accessible to more kids. Here's the link to a video Amanda made, all about Otino Waa: http://vimeo.com/24749772

Back to focuses.... Children's ministry, outdoor ministry, music and worship, graphic arts and design, writing, missions, discipleship, pastoral, videography, photography, working at the Kilns college and bookstore/ coffee house (it's a human rights book and gift store, coffee house, and has classrooms where the college holds faith-based classes in the fall through Winter. All the people who 'work' there are volunteers, and proceeds of all merchandise go towards supporting the college and human-rights organizations, like IJM and Not For Sale. I spend A LOT of time in there, sipping a latte and working on my latest intern project.)

So, here's the shpeal on what I'M doing this summer... I signed up to do missions, with an area of interest on anti-human trafficking.

Brandon Reynolds is the community pastor at Antioch, as well as the director of the summer and year long internship programs. He's in charge of the interns focusing on pastoral, discipleship and missions. After spending about a week learning about Bend, getting to know our fellow interns, and getting a good grasp on what Antioch is all about/ their vision for the future and what the internship program looks like, we met with Brandon in our focus groups and were given choices of projects to work on. He literally had a stack of pamphlets, emails, and past info booklets produced by Antioch that he gave us free reign on to choose what we would dive into for the next two and a half months. Some were to do research of certain organizations, local and global, meet with representatives, and evaluate if Antioch should partner with them or not. Another kind was to work on a very specific project brought up by people within the church body, who had a project they were already working on and needed assistance with. And some were getting into the nitty-gritty parts of being the hands and feet of a budding organization, like helping the Ryan family begin a youth missions hostile in South America. The interns under Brandon all meet together on Mondays to discuss our projects and where we're at with them, and collaborate to make our gifts spread where we're needed to make our works happen (we've only got 10 weeks to accomplish all our goals!)

I was really overwhelmed by all of this, and chose a couple of tasks to get started on. But after emailing the people to meet with them and figure things out further, they wouldn't get back to me. And I was super discouraged. I waited about a week to hear from them, met with Brandon to talk about other options, and he offered me a new idea:

They need help in the office, with some administration tasks in the missions department (Antioch is still very new at determining just how the church is meant to be involved with missions, locally and globally, financially, etc.- which is also something all the missions interns are helping pray about and decipher), as well as keeping correspondence with partner organizations and maintaining the church's mission blog : http://www.antiochchurch.org/_blog/Antioch_Missions_Blog

I'll be editing and writing for the blog (which means interviewing local authors, organization workers, and church goers involved in missions and writing reports on their knowledge), while learning how to and helping out with admin, as well as helping with the Justice Conference 2012- more to come on this later, but I met the director Erin Lytle, and she expressed a great need for help in event coordination! Will hear from her soon about how I can help.

In a larger perspective, I'll be stabilizing some parts of what Antioch needs to make their grounds for the missions department strong, as they discover what next steps need to be made to act on what the church's role is in missions. Since I'm staying past the summer internship, I'm going to volunteer as much as I can to maintain projects after summer interns leave.

The internship is a lot more informal and come-as-you-go that I thought it would be; make-your-own program according to your focus (which I'm having a lot of fun doing).

I've bought several books to learn more about human trafficking, missions in the church, and global Christianity:

Not For Sale, by David Gladstone

Stop The Traffik, by Steve Chalke and Cherie Blair (doing a written review and analysis of this one-SO good!)

Right here Right now- "Everyday missions for Everyday people", by Alan Hirsch and Lance Ford

Not In My Town- "Exposing & Ending Human Trafficking &Modern-Day Slavery", by Dillon Burroughs and Charles Powell

and Kingdom Without Borders- "The untold Story of Global Christianity", by Miriam Adeney

(Got all of these on our trip to Cannon Beach for surfing- We went to Portland and hit Powells bookstore for some learning material... I lucked out!)

Phew. So, needless to say, I'm gonna be busy.

We get to go on several retreats to see the sights of Oregon- We went to Smith Rock to rock climb and hike misery Ridge a couple of weekends ago.

I got to billet twice, and tried to climb at the end of the day- but after hiking for two hours, I couldn't make it past the first stretch!! So tiring. But we get to go again soon on our off-time.

It's crazy to be so close to where professionals come for their training- We watched a climber go up a completely flat rock; absolutely crazy to watch them get up with such ease.

And, we saw people walking a tight-rope from one cliff to a rock formation called Monkey Face (yes, it looks just like a monkey), one attached to a line, and one without. The guy without one made it, and the other didn't. These adrenaline junkies are INSANE. But really entertaining to watch.

So now, I'm just in the beginning process of figuring out what all these tasks mean. What all of these words written on pages make clear about God's heart for missions as a part of his bride. It's really a bigger question than I thought needed to be answered- Some times when i think about it, I'm so overcome by it's vastness (for a little brain like mine in comparison to the creator), and have to find ways to continually surrender it to God.

"YOU know how these pieces of your church, your people, your vision for the future, and this idea of missions go together. Calm my heart so that I may listen, so that I may be overcome with your holy spirit, and poured into with an understanding of how to reach your people on such different levels- You know better than I, and I trust your leads more than any."

This is a similar prayer to what I keep thinking and saying every time I begin to feel the slightest bit overwhelmed.

"If our God is for us, WHO can be against us?"

Just got back from our surf trip last night, and today is just a day to recuperate, rest, and gear up for the coming week of working hard, playing hard, and making the kingdom come alive.

That's it for now. Gonna go stick my nose in one of them books and enjoy what comes out of each one....

Blessings, my friends and family- My prayers are with you that you have blessed adventures and journeys this summer, and that God is directing you towards His objects of affection.

All my love, Emily

In Bend

Okay, it's one of those times where I don't WANT to write, but there's so much to document and be thankful about that if I don't update things, I'll feel like I'm missing a puzzle piece to this blog when I return and see it isn't there. So....

Held a small going away party for those wishing to see me off. It was such a sweet time to look back, bask in memories while catching up with friends and family on present happenings and future hopes, opportunities, and prayers. It was the fellowship that I needed over these last two years that proved my leaving was for an important cause.

Said goodbyes, including an especially hard one to a rather close friend who has been so dear to me for the last two years-- Then, staying up way too late, packed up stuff. Woke in the morning to pack MORE stuff, packed up the car myself (with not too much stuff, I might add- Thought I did rather well for my first time moving out), and the parents, Shan and I left for Bend around noon.

I drove a good 3/4 of the way there, feeling like every mile towards Bend was developing a newness and fresh perspective on things. I could hardly believe at points that I was physically here- This moment had come, things arranged and prepared, and I was finally DOING it.

Arrived at the Capells home- These are my dear cousins Heather and Zach, with their kids Megan (6), Noah, and Lauren (twins, 2). They, being the generous and compassionate people that they are, were willing to let me stay in the spare bedroom of their lovely house, free of charge, and insistent on feeding me. While I felt the impulse to insist upon paying rent or helping out with the weekly grocery bill, I felt peace about the set up and knew I would have opportunities to pay them back in various ways, if not in funds.

My parents left Sunday after church at Antioch (which was so settling, by the way- I really feel the combination of being at home yet challenged there- exactly what I felt at the justice conference/ my visit to Bend in February). This was less difficult than I thought it would be- There were fewer tears than anticipated, less emotions of anxiousness and fear, and near to no worries of whether or not I was doing the right thing.

Things I had been struggling with for months at home in Tigard seemed to melt away- or if they lingered at all in the back of my mind, I could tell a difference of my surrendering them to God in this place- The Holy Spirit is alive and kicking in this new home of mine, no doubt about it.

The kids are a blast to be with- I'm already learning so much about their tendencies as individuals and children, Heather's loving but firm mothering qualities, and everyone's tenderness. Parts of me are starting to thaw and become sensitive again.. This is a large part of why I wanted to leave, be here, and embark on this summer journey.

Bend is beautiful. Seriously breathtaking. And while others might question just what is so special about a place not lush like North Oregon, or consistently hot like Southern states, or insist that people say this because of the wide span of outdoor activities, tourist attractions, and killer restaurants, I believe it to be so because of the desert-like makeup with warm hearted and intentional people and purposes. More on that as I meet and come in contact with more of them....

I feel blessed to be living simply here- My room is the perfect size, with just the amount of things I need in it to do well and need to buy little.

Today I checked in with the Joanns location over here to see if I could 'transfer' to work there in late August, (to which the manager gave a thumbs up!), and Heather is taking me out driving to get used to the whereabouts of everything in town. Tomorrow I go to check out the community college and OSU cascades... Keeping busy until the internship officially starts next Monday : )

I'll put pictures up soon-- Blessings, Emily

Closings and beginnings

Cleaned out my room and semi-packed. Got a used car with great gas mileage. Filled out my application and registration papers for the internship. Come May 20th, I am off for Bend : )

My heart is so eager to just get there, get there, get there.. But I know there is purpose to this time as much as when I'll start missions work in summer. It's simply a challenge to seek out His doing in how to glorify Him while I'm still here.

A few months ago, I felt "ready" to leave my hometown. I still felt split about leaving a place I felt at home with, but was growing distant from in needs and desires. Now, I am over-and-over again shown with convictions of the heart and spirit that I am called elsewhere. My needs are going to be met in a place He is preparing for me, and where He, too, is eagerly awaiting for me to come and take part in community, fellowship, worship, and revelation for the kingdom.

"Patience, Emily. You are SO very close. Let my love here and now be enough to satisfy what you lack and thirst for. Prepare yourself for one of the many journeys of your lifetime."

Gives me shivers hearing His voice in all this, and knowing in the gut of my soul that He is carefully planning my future and so lovingly bringing the time closer where it will be right before my eyes.

Memories

Day 5

A picture of your favorite memory

Mexico. LIVING the culture I had learned about in the classroom. Unexpectedly translating for church messages and conversations. Falling in love with the people and their life values. Being reminded of simple necessities of life. Beautiful weather. Working hard and being dead tired at the end of the day. Realizing just how important missions are to me, and seriously praying about their place in my future. Feeling in sync with the Holy Spirit's rhythms.

Night of Nights

Day 3

A picture of your favorite night

A few nights ago, I just sat outside for a solid time. No excuses- I just really needed time with the Lord to hear Him and give Him a small fraction of the time He so completely deserves to reply to the love gushed out on me each day. While sitting in the damp grass, staring into the space of eternity and all He created on the canvas before me (as a masterpiece created for us!!!) I felt this reassurance and heard this calming voice cover my thoughts of doubt, saying "It is TIME. You are going to love where I take you. Just let go of that hand and take hold of mine."

There are SO many nights I will treasure forever. Nights at camp, goofing off with friends, nights of intentional worship and prayer, nights of profound realizations, and this night of clear, pointed guidance that I had been waiting for, for a very long time. *heavy sigh of relief*

Balanced Controversy

Day 3

• Picture of the cast of your favorite show

I love the concept of Morgan Spurlock's '30 Days'-- You may recognize him from Super-Size me, where he directed a documentary style film about living on a complete Mickey D's diet; this show is very much like that in a social experiment sense. It's like Mythbusters meets What Would You Do? People, including Spurlock himself, go off on a 30 day adventure living in the life of a religion, a belief system, or a habitual way of life completely different from their own. Spurlock visits an Indian reservation, a white Christian man from Georgia lives with a muslim family, and many more controversial pairings. At first, this concept made me nervous-- There is so much potential to make this show a learning experience for the participants and viewers, as long as it didn't end up like a shouting match on the Maury show. I was hoping for something that would break me out of my comfort zone and really challenge me with some thought provoking questions to wrestle with, and I was pleasantly surprised with the results of each episode. People went home with new perspective, and I learned a great deal through their process of how to understand and love others despite their choices. And I prayed through so much of the topics they brought to life, lifting to the Lord what I thought my heart could be tweaked on.

There are three seasons of this out on Netflix-- I believe they are all on-demand (hint hint). : )

Huckleberry Friends.

Day 2

• A person who you have been the closest to for the longest time

I am so privileged to know this gal- We met when I was about 12, and she was 16-17, and hit it off quickly. She was so fun and quirky- Living in the country, collecting vintage wear, and dreaming of being a novelist/playwright... Conversations progressed to pen-pal letters and long phone calls, followed by drama work together with MCO productions. She is one of the best listeners and advice givers I know, and we've really grown through a lot of adolescence with each other's guidance and witness. It's been decided that we be old cronies together, living up our last days together after our supposed husbands are gone and we have nothing better to do than sit on the wrap-around porch and knit. : )

Love you my salty Huckleberry friend (haha).

Prompts.

It's time to start writing with prompts! I've liked the '30 Days' thing people are doing, so here goes:

A picture of yourself with 10 facts

A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest

A picture of the cast from your favorite show

A picture of your favorite night

A picture of your favorite memory

A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day

A picture of your most treasured item

A picture that makes you laugh

A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most

A picture of the person you do the most crazy things with

A picture of something you hate

A picture of something you love

A picture of your favorite band or artist

A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without

A picture of something you want to do before you die

A picture of someone who inspires you

A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently

A picture of your biggest insecurity

A picture and a letter

A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel

A picture of something you wish you could forget

A picture of something you wish you were better at

A picture of your favorite book

A picture of something you wish you could change

A picture of your favorite day

A picture of something that means a lot to you

A picture of yourself and a family member

A picture of something you're afraid of

A picture that can always make you smile

A picture of someone you miss

And that, friends, is what I'll be writing about : ) yay, so excited!!!

1. A picture of yourself with 10 facts

So this is me, Emily, Skeba, Nika, the nicknames go on....

1. I am left handed, and my birthday is November 1st.... Funny thing is, same goes for my grandpa and two cousins on my mom's side. Kinda weird...

2. I have a BIG sweet tooth. Peanut butter + chocolate is the equivalent of candy heaven to me : )

3. I hate it when people's wrists touch... Or knuckles pop. Gives me the squeemish heebie jeebies.

4. I have been in a wide spread of schools over my childhood: homeschooled for pre-school, kindergarten, and first grade, private school for 2nd, 3rd, and 4th, public downtown- Portland school for 5th grade, suburban Tigard school for middle and high school.

5. I love to garden. Something about getting that close to the ground reminds me of who made it, and how He makes such beautiful and substantial things out of dust. Plus I love gardening gloves : )

6. I work in a fabric shop and befriend old ladies who like to share about their busy-work projects.

Seriously, these ladies (most of the time) are so incredibly sweet. If not for this job, I would see the elderly in a much less brighter light. They can be grouchy, proud, impatient, and downright rude at times, but theses things and those who extend a courteous kindness in their wisdom inspire me to never really "grow old".

7. I have always wanted to be a missionary. A family who my parents have known since I was in grade school went onto the missions field for a long while, and the whole process they went through fascinated me. It got me thinking and reading into the ministry to see how I could travel, learn, and share with others the message of Christ along with a trade to teach people of another culture. I still want to do this; it all comes down to deciding on a trade I can take along....

8. CAT lover. Dogs are great, too- But there's nothing like having a feline curl up in your lap--- They're like warm, fuzzy, purring heaters you can take with you wherever you go... And they don't need to be let out! haha

9. I discovered how much I love sociology this last term. Social work or teaching, in any way or form, could be a very possible career in my future. I find so much value in working directly with people.

10. Cooking is a new hobby of mine. Can't wait to have a better budget and future friends and family to bless with recipes I dream of making from watching the Food Network or reading in Cooking Light! Love how nutrition can be an art form.

That's all for now- Looks like it's a gorgeous day outside... Most definitely a Sunday, and the first real day that's looked like spring! Thank you, Lord for the promise of new life that's beginning to spring out.

Full of Nothing

Hello. It's been too long since I've blogged, as usual, and I don't like this pattern!

I decided over spring break to take this next term off and work full time, at as many places that will take me until I leave for my --can you believe it--- internship- at Antioch church in Bend this summer. I've gotten a job for a couple of weeks at my college bookstore, and am juggling whatever hours I can at Joanns. I am looking for, applying, and making endless calls to craigslist ads and possible places for every position from sandwich making to dog grooming... Its just hard to find a place that is okay with hiring you for a month and a half... : / But my hopes are high, and my God is good- I really feel peace about this decision to get priorities straightened and rest in Him for this time as I prepare and pray for what may be a life-changing summer.

As for the fall, my heart is boggled. Like I keep find letters that make words--- Combinations of possibilities that MAKE SENSE, or that I say I'll pray about, but end up getting tossed around because of my doubts or unbelief, or sit and rot while I let the combination go to waste because I'm not sure if it's "the" one.

This predicament I continue to get myself into is what I'm learning to be a "full of nothing" situation.

I want time to rest in knowledge that God has a plan for my life, while learning about passions already stirring in my heart, while meeting and beginning relationships with people who strengthen and inspire me to worship the Lord with my life, while basking in a time away from the world I currently call home (is it possible that I have more than one?)

I'm noticing a disconnect so much more than ever between my standards and those of the place I live and participate in as a woman, a daughter, a voter, a student, a worker.... etc. titles. The priorities and assumed values of these positions aren't consistent with my own as an individual, as a child of God, as a modern day abolitionist, as a writer, as a dreamer, as an advocate for justice, as a FOLLOWER.

I'm not looking for a total escape from these discrepancies- it's impossible to avoid contact with all corrupt patterns of this world. We're called be ON the earth; so they come along with the territory of loving actively, being justice, and walking humbly with our God....At least in this life.....

I watched 'Eat Pray Love' for the first time a couple of days ago. And, all religious, spiritual, and other conflicting points of view aside from what I believe to be true, I got it.

It clicked with me when she wanted to savor beauty, experience culture and values outside of ones' birthright, and grasp what higher power existed in her personal life.

I don't feel like I'm living to the full potential God created me to live up to when I settle for the challenges of the place where I'm at right now. Granted, that's a hard statement to be sure of, but I'm trusting this conviction is what God has for me to act on.

So, I'm praying and heavily seeking the Lord's guidance about YWAM for this fall. That's also why I'm working full time- It's a big wad of money, a lot of time and commitment, but it's really where my heart is at. It's all I keep coming back to for what I WANT to be doing.

About $7,500 for September through June.... Think I can raise it/ make it by then?

wrestling match

i have this habit
i know we all do...
but i recognize it as excessive
and i'm noticing it's choke on me

i think too much
don't pray enough
but expect a path to clear
and lay itself before me

then when one DOES appear...
is it really there?
is it valid, or am i hoping it up in my head or my heart?

honest and truly.
wish someone would shake me hard,
give me a map,
and send me off to learn a little
humilityfaithempathygratefullness....
contentedness in the compass i DO have.

i take it all for granted.
and am writhing at that conceit
but don't want to leave the ground;
too afraid to lose my homestead-feet.

i want adventure, but at what risk, Lord?
anxious and worried to live in my old homes,
shutting out the new and undiscovered.

The Color of Christ...

I've been thinking about 'Go Green' for a couple of weeks now- about little things I could do everyday with resources, actions, and mindsets to use God's tools he gave to us effectively and with purpose.

I feel so very privileged to live in a state, (or a country, more like it!) where people are starting to come closer to terms with reality-- to learn about what we use to live, and be in thought about how our choices can directly affect the way we care for God's earth.

In sociology class (taught by the amazing professor Kim Smith, M.D.!!), we took an online survey to calculate approximately how many planets it would take if everybody lived one individuals' life. It measured a use of food, clothing, transportation, electricity, water... the list goes on. At the hit of the 'submit' button, results showed that for my lifestyle (which I would originally have said was more meager than typical) would take 5 planets if the whole population were to be sustained equally.

I was, and still am, totally flabbergasted.

Of course, it is always wise to take these mind-boggling realizations with a grain of salt. Calculations are rough- there are SO many variables to include, the population is in constant flux, and the things I do and use change on a day-to-day basis.

BUT, to take these things with intended wisdom does not mean to ignore them either.

It's one thing to think, "If I make a point to do ______ , what REAL change is this going to make?" (And the common result of this thought process is to revert to the old. the most comfortable. the out-of-sight, out-of-mind way of "dealing" with results of our consumption.

What if, and call me a hippie, what if...

• We took accountability in the way we consumed?
• We CARED for the way we are provided for- "Wow, Lord- THANK YOU for this shirt, this piece of bread.... Thanks for showing me how you love me through providing my needs."
• We consciously considered that the ways in which we use things directly affects the lives of other people? (Ethical, local, organic... Are these just fancy tags to rack up prices-- what do they stand for? Or regular run-of-the-mill products and services?)
• We made the effort to love God through the way we used the tools He gave us?

Search for what those things may mean on your own, in your heart and mind.

It is not to be ignored when the Lord said to "replenish the earth, and subdue it"

To "have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the heavens, and over the livestock and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth” (Gen. 1:26) undoubtedly means we have an encompassing DUTY to act in accordance to God's love for His creation, in whatever way He reveals just to you.

As scary as activism may seem, the Lord calls us to act. And what are we saying about His handiwork and His loving command to see that it is used in an upright manner, if we do not uphold this commandment to care and keep this space we have to worship Him with?

Lord, show us how to "Go Green"- in the way You deem righteous; a stance that puts Your love first...

What might these ideas mean for you in your everyday lives?

Pray and think along with me....

Flighty

The past few weeks have been monumental. Yet, not monumental.
I keep feeling like I get to a place of decision, as if "this is the best combination I've found so far, so it MUST be the right decision." That sentence has so many things wrongs with it, as well as the combinations of things I seek to do from Fall 2011 to Spring 2012, that I've reached un utter stage of complete confusion.

Lord, WHY are there so many things for me to choose from?
Am I scared to choose? Have I lost the fire I might have "once had" for doing something like YWAM, or ministry- Or do I still have that abundant zealous love in my heart-- And is it present; can others see it? Or am I so scared/ confused that I've set it on the back burner and have let practicality play as the big decision maker?

I want so desperately to please you. And part of this is by honoring you first with anything I decide. Did I really pray about the options I have come up with; did I really sense a peace from you about pursuing any one choice?

I will, ultimately, have to choose ONE way. ONE path to ONE program, school, internship, or rounded purpose in which I can better certain skills of a topic I care to serve with.

School is not only a smart choice- it is

1. an option I am lucky to have and able to afford
2. becoming a part of the structure our society is today- There really is no denying that it will get in the way of doing something I'll want to someday.
3. An intentional time of seeking and skill building to do God's work during and after you're finished. (And I have definitely been failing at the 'during' part.)
4. A segway to final connections: to the work you WANT to be doing, the people you WANT to be in community with, and a life you ARE called to live in accordance to your passions and the Lord's movements through your attention to Him.

Why am I so restless, yet eager to stay where I'm at? Flighty, but ready for a take off?

Coffee date, inadequacy, and hunger pains

Augh. So convicted. So TIRED.

Had a mentally and spiritually trying day today. Not to say it wasn't good, but I'm in good need of some fellowship with the Holy Spirit versus algebra problems and even good friends at coffee.

Did not wake up thinking I'd be at such a struggling, wrestling match in my own heart....

Went to school, did math. Met with math teacher, worked more problems. Researched which classes I need to take in the spring, to graduate (!!!). Messed up transportation plans with the mama and came late to a coffee date with my mentor and other gals my age.

A sad realization has come to my attention: It's always kinda been lurking back there, among the things I'd rather not deal with... But it's out on the table now, gravy and all.

I am a person, with a great love for things that matter. Things that make impact, bring glory to God. I am an appreciator. I am an evaluator. I am a thinker.

BUT, I am a writer. A writer with perfectionist tendencies.

I've known for quite some time that I've loved to write. I've loved to twist words into meaning and set them free to inspire others. But hand in hand, perfectionism and appreciation of all things beautiful and of God's glory do not make a good couple. These things, in my mind and actions, have to part ways- They are not equally yoked traits; accumulatively unhealthy for this mind and heart who aches to grow with all God has marked her to be.

Augh. Perfectionism, adieu. You have been caught in the act. I am so overly concerned with SPEAKING and WRITING a certain way. I truly feel like I am at a point where this doesn't concern my looks or body image, but my confidence and spunk to simply be who I am with my words and comfort in my own skin.

Words influence. Christ reminds his people, through Proverbs that "the tongue has the power of life and death" (18:21).

I feel like, sometimes, I am overly careful of this, and I speak like someone else- Like a preacher or speaker whom I admire-- They aren't ME. I'm not THEM. It is, in a way, bashing God's design in the face to behave and speak differently than I am naturally behooved to do.

I feel like I'm better at writing- type or pen, than speaking face-to-face with people. I value eye contact. I value quality time, relating to each other, and sharing experiences.

I just feel like there has been a part of me still yet to be unleashed. And this will come with healing, a fill-up of Christ, a time of strengthening in who I KNOW I have been made to be, and quiet- learning to be OKAY with this wrestling at times, but always surrendering.

I wear myself out. Lord, step in here, please- You're here, you know what I'm doing, and how it makes me angry. It makes me want to rip my hair out at times. But you are in control, I trust you, and I know you have made a way for me, out of this confusing and mind-numbing time.

You are forever in control. And that is all.

Going to eat solid food, spend time in worship and quiet, and go to bed with NO HOMEWORK DONE. God, flood my tired soul.

This week has been an eye opener, to say the least-- I've broken down and cried about all things school and "I HATE my situation", etc.; taken a nap when I needed to be studying for Geology, and been asking God countless questions of WHY, and WHEN?

WHY am I here, in this time and place, without things I thought I needed to survive- Close friendships, church messages that I can relate to, a driver's liscence??

WHEN, O Lord, will I feel things 'fall into place' enough for me to know what to pursue- What dream takes hold of heart enough to reach for it at full throttle?

Well, at least that's been the whiny "God, where are you?" side of me for the week. He is present in the things I so easily dismiss. He IS giving me the daily bread I need to survive and thrive on.

In the applications/future/ YWAM plans department, I am exceedingly excited to finish up my applications, send them off, and hear back from my top two or three choices (now in Wisconsin: http://www.ywammadison.org/dts/kids-at-risk/ and Colorado: http://www.ywamsf.org/dtsjusticeandmercy.html) I am having a more difficult time then I thought I would with answering some of the spiritual questions from one application. (But, I'm impressed with their gesture to include this in the application! Definitely made me want to pursue this one as my top choice!)

I got bored after a midterm (!!! First time I've been able to be bored all term!!), and found these pictures- One of a YWAM class (my heart just lept for joy at this one- It makes me so excited and joyful to know there is some form of this kind of learning to follow my time here!)
Aaaand, a dorky school picture, which I thought was hilarious. Reminds me of my dorky, way-to-analytical geology lab partners.

Lord, you lead me in ways I don't fully know until I've made the actual step. Let this be true with school- That either during or after my time finishing this associates degree, you would reveal yourself , your changes made in me-- May I be encouraged by this, enough to be reminded that my time, my resources, my work here- Is truly NOT my own. You make this mind think, these hands do good works, and this voice speak your truth. May all that be done, while hallowed is Your name.

My day IS yours.



















Reminder to me, in recent times of worry over finances for YWAM:
No matter how much support we have, our problems with finances haven't been solved until we are determined to do the Lord's will with a joyful heart, whether or not we have money. God will be very cautious about releasing finances to us if we haven't dealt with this issue.
--Jim Stier, 'Money is Not the Problem'

http://www.missionaryfundraiser.com/ywam-support-raising-thoughts.html

Forward

As far as I can tell, this older man walks his dog most everyday.

Without fail, without worry, but in perfect stride with a routine of devout intention

On meeting needs.

I, who struggle to clean that stray plate or schedule that dentist appointment,

am at first, jealous of assumed "time" to enjoy this finery- "Oh, how I wish I could do the same."

Next; pinned to the wall with conviction-"Wait-- this is a choice made, aside from restrictions."

And finally, "Oh, how I wish I would do this."

A lack of want and effort, inside man-made confines of "schedule" take the blame.

Resources are really useless, if not yoked to a purpose of both heart AND mind.

So, Lord-- Would you once again, make me thirsty for the 'wants' that make my soul a faithful kind?

New year, new school term, new hits to the heart.

God is so good for what has begun in this new year. He's reinstated within me an upright and just spirit- My work ethic is balanced, my goals are high-- Mainly because I finally have set my sights on what I'll be doing this next year: a DTS program through YWAM ministries. (!!! So exciting to be able to say that for definite!)

So, yes, God is good in that- I'm stepping out in faith to begin the process of application, (I've already narrowed my focus of the DTS down to international justice and compassion/mercy), and will be sending in a couple of applications to Colorado, and maybe another to Orlando, FL and North Carolina.

My heart is feeling so tender again- More than it was before I felt it beginning to harden and get stale: Lord, I prayed for you to enter in and take hold of what you wanted to come out in me-- FOr choosing where to go and a what to do in this next year, for shaping the woman and child of Christ You created me to be, and BOY have You delivered! So much so that, my heart is breaking in ways and places I didn't expect it to at such a degree.

My sociology class is about the formation of social institutions, both on a national and international scale. We are currently discussing stratification of wealth, resources, safety... And my heart runs automatically to those without these gifts. I get all choked up while reading my textbook's statistics on poverty, sex trafficking, modern day slavery, continued civil warfare; every piece of the loving, compassionate, and justice-loving person I know I am is coming out again--- At FULL speed.

Lord, I am at war within my own heart- To be restlessly seeking an active part in the change-making parts of the kingdom on earth, while being here to prepare for what my heart longs for but cannot classify in one longing. You know my heart and my deeds; I trust You to do what You will with this heart and these hands motivated by it.