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While listening to the radio this morning, Matthew West was promoting his latest album, 'What The World is For'. Inspired by a family close to his heart, he shared with listeners about the hard time they had been having letting go of their youngest son, who had passed away a couple of years ago. He surprised the family's mother by dedicating the song to her live, explaining bits and pieces of how he was inspired, and let the song play.
The tune was simple, but the words were astoundingly clear and made sense to me-
Of what I can remember, it was about questions: Why do we bear so much pain in life? What's the point of all this? Why does every joy eventually come back to burdens?
And in the chorus, he suggests, perhaps we go through the suffering for strength, the strength for hope, the hope to know, knowing what the world is for is to make us long for home.
This struck me as strange, but when I thought about it more deeply, it just made sense. Why else would we go through so much striving and so many tears other than to have them cease and be washed away- not here, but after this life.
It's just the beginning of my philosophy of religion class at community college, and the teacher is already asking rhetorical questions: Why is there hardship? Why are we here? What's the purpose of us striving for success, knowledge, 'making the world a better place'? It's really all the romance of God to bring us to Him. We endure these things out of obligation, and hopefully realize the purpose and make it out of love and hopeful longing.
God, we are passionate, impatient people, especially myself. Make me mindful of this plan you made with your son's coming to earth, my part in the romance, and the future of your bride.
And make me mindful and acting upon this TODAY. Amen.

Family- Oikos, Agape

Note: I don't intend for this to be read as a rant... There are just some feelings of frustration and anger I want to get out and surrender to God.

Oikos: the ancient Greek equivalent of a household, house, or family.

Agape: (Pretty legit definition, coming from online!) Love as revealed in Jesus, seen as spiritual and selfless; a model for humanity.

At camp, I am so elated and joyous about what God is doing in me, others around me, life in general- It reveals a part of heaven to me to have those I love and care about demonstrate and communicate how they love and support me as a sister in Christ.

I'm a little homesick for that community again-- As I was sure would happen at some point after leaving such a kind and loving environment that only camp provides.

Now, being at home, I'm realizing more and more just why I don't feel or know I am cared about:

(Many of these will come from the 'Five Love Languages')

- I don't have these needs met at home; I've communicated a few times to my parents about how __________ doesn't make me feel loved, but since this was during my earlier teenage years where I genuinely made everything about my feelings, letting myself get worked up about the smallest things, they didn't take any of it seriously.

----- Quality time

----- Words of encouragement

----- Acts of thoughtfulness

All of these made my stress levels last year increase double-fold. And while I thought for the longest time that I could talk it out with my parents and let them know about what I was feeling and hoped they could change, part of me understands how it's all become habit to them, or is a part of their personality (Example: Neither of my parents have ever been avidly compassionate on a day-to-day basis.) Habits/ personality are hard to change. I love them even if they don't want to change. But I know now that it's not my strength, or my actions (unless God-led) that are going to change their perspectives.

Lord, you are the giver of everything I need to feel loved, accepted, and embraced into the Kingdom, your heavenly Oikos. As I seek you for an Agape that will never fail, assist me to forgive the wrongs and be gracious with my family. Help me extend the love I am learning to understand, even though there might not be anything from them in return.

Let me not seek a prize, but seek your glory in their lives-- Perhaps you have placed me here to be an influence in this household.

The idea of going day-to-day without physical acts and words of encouragement scares me, but through YOU, all things are possible. You are a comforter and healer I can depend on no matter my location or frame of mind.

That being said, calm my heart and guide my steps into this day. Amen.

Update...

I recently started a blog about my adventures in the retail world, and have really enjoyed blogging about that so far-- Check it out; I may or may not be blogging more often on that page than on this one when the school year starts up: www.beinghishands.wordpress.com

Had a meaningful time at lunch with a friend today- It was so good to talk one on one with a close friend, especially after being at home for such a long period of time with thoughts brewing but no one to share them with. Community, I'm learning, is such a valuable resource.... Thanks, God, for the endless friendships we can make, connections to be made, and the gift of prayer.