Thankfulness is what I long for

The simplest act of kindness impressed me today; after pouring myself a cappuccino in the cafeteria, I couldn't find my 5 dollar bill... A lady struck up a conversation with me about the coffee beans they use, and before I knew it, she was paying for my coffee. I really appreciated her heart- just looking for a conversation, but didn't back out of an opportunity to serve. I love that.
Thanks for your boldness within her, Lord.

I am thankful for how you are present in my Philosophy of Religion class. I reach a point every session where I think, "Lord, this is just STUPID. All this is about is ignoring you- Going in circles with no answers..." But, apart from the fact that this is just my perspective- (Loads of people have come to Christ through some kind of logical reasoning), and that I have been so blessed to grow up in a family of believers---- Apart from all this--- The Holy Spirit will prove present in someway. Almost immediately. One outspoken gal raised her hand just to say, "What's the point in that.. Or the point of all this, anyway? What do we have to DO with ourselves, to live for?" She spoke with such sincerity and fragility- As though she knew we didn't have answers; her rhetorical question was simple proof that the Lord is softening hearts.

And that's that for today- Profound moments where I could see the Holy Spirit alive and at work. I'm so grateful that you allow us to see and participate in such things, Lord- as minuscule and meaningless as they might seem- they fill me with such joy and peace that you are faithful to answer prayers. It encourages me to keep in prayer for such things to turn hearts to You.

Prayers...

Good morning, my Lord- Glory, it is a busy day...

There is so much to accomplish in these next few months, I just know the tide is going to pull me in and under if I'm not riding it completely with you. Diligence is part of the ride, but also a yearning to follow commands of a God who knows my heart and passions.

Help me to control impulses to make decisions I'm not yet ready for, to take rest more often than not, and to know my limits-- When should I bring hardships and worries to you? Certainly before talking with friends and families- You understand those best and are the only one with power to move in them as I turn them over to you.

For now, no more dreaming of future possibilities, future friends, someones, careers, colleges....
You have a place ready and waiting for me that I'll enter when it's time; Now is the time to seek you in the decision making- Where I will classify my values from passion to logic, and ask for your kingdom to come in whatever way suits my situation best.

Guard and protect my heart and mind from the evil one- He has traps set in place for me-- I have been ensnared, more than once, in these whirl-wind patterns of relying on MY knowledge, allowing daydreams, and being too afraid to make the most beneficial, wise choice I can.

My eyes are ever fixed on the prize; I await the day where I can serve you in a way most fitting for my passions and abilities. Keep me focused and aware of the place where I'm at, but ready to pounce at a moments notice for when fitting opportunities arise. I trust that You know what you're doing, and I'll continue to move forward as you lead me through what, for now, seems clouded and unsure. My eyes mean nothing without a journey to what they will feast upon.

"Elementary, my dear Watson"= barf

"When I was your age..."
"Well, don't you worry- God will show you the way; God will provide..."
"Oh, you should check in with my friend so-and-so and such-and-such college..."

I feel like reading the book I Kissed College Searching Goodbye.
Throw in the towel and make the decision I want to make, without anyone's help or introspective.

I don't know how much longer I can take talking with people about my future plans- I'm growing cold about the way they comment, critique, try to help me along, or simply won't STOP talking about the process. How do I put up a friendly but forceful demeanor that shows I don't want to hear about certain people's past experiences, advice, or say about my choices, or POSSIBLE choices, at that.

Lord, you have COMPLETE control over all this word demands of me in these next few months- You understand through experience how my mind, heart, and this world works-- You empathise and follow me on this journey greater than anyone here can. And for that I thank you and fall back on your guidance and touch of peace through the Holy Spirit.

I've done and have yet to do so much research work- People's little tidbits of knowledge and wisdom they can throw on me are now pricking holes in my sensitivity bubble. Back off, or God, give me a presence and toleration ability of steel- I'm simply tired of hearing over and over again what I already know and am workin g to act upon while going out of my way not to think about or over analyze possibilities too much-- God does know and will provide; I just don't want anyone to lead me through this besides Him and the people I have asked to do so.

Where We Gonna Go From Here?

Wow- just now realized how it's been since I posted last. Darn....
But I'm back- With a new focus and rejuvenated buzz for a better balance between work, school, and all things for Christ.

Looking at one of the readings from my philosophy of religion today, a passage stood out to me:
"He who begins by loving Christianity better than Truth, will proceed by loving his own sect or Church better than Christianity, and end in loving himself better than all."

Wow- That is some convicting stuff, even if the writer IS a stickler for "all beliefs must be backed up by logical evidence, or they cannot be justified". (yeah... We've been reading and discussing that stuff all the time in class. Gets kinda boring sometimes.)

But this text stuck out as rather relate-able for me: Recently, I had really clung to the idea of setting my self apart from the name Christianity has made for itself (in terms of the PEOPLE- Their hypocrisy, insecurity, and human tendencies to shy away from 'walking the walk'.) After brewing on that topic, internally, for about a week at the beginning of the term, I built up a sort of wall in my perspective- "I'm different than what Christianity has become- I really do want to, and believe I have the ability to love God's people, in tandem with the power and ability He gives me to do so." This notion, while somewhat balanced, gave me the excuse to block out the Truth--

The Truth, that includes our purpose, God's plan for us and all earth's design, is the gift given freely to us-- Brought about by sacrificial, but crucial death on a cross. Who am I to refuse such a priceless, undeniably revolutionary, and completely love-driven token?

I don't feel so ashamed to dwell on this mistake for too long, but thank you, Lord for working through this philosopher's words; showing me in what is normally dense and lifeless text that your living promise can be alive-- in those who TRUST in you and the titles you give us.

Getting a flashback to a childhood song-- Spelling out c-h-r-i-s-t-i-a-n, I am a christian.
That name entails so much in our country, in our world- In the ways we think, live, and how others view us. But the GOD WE SERVE under that name rings louder, and that Truth is enough to live on.

Father, you will never cease to amaze me with your validity and presence in perspectives as a child, a daughter, worker, and even as a college student. I trust you to break up the monotony of each day, revealing your encouraging love and kindness; this will lead me on to work for your glory, as a part of your people under the name of your son.

For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. --Hebrews 4:12

New News

While listening to the radio this morning, Matthew West was promoting his latest album, 'What The World is For'. Inspired by a family close to his heart, he shared with listeners about the hard time they had been having letting go of their youngest son, who had passed away a couple of years ago. He surprised the family's mother by dedicating the song to her live, explaining bits and pieces of how he was inspired, and let the song play.
The tune was simple, but the words were astoundingly clear and made sense to me-
Of what I can remember, it was about questions: Why do we bear so much pain in life? What's the point of all this? Why does every joy eventually come back to burdens?
And in the chorus, he suggests, perhaps we go through the suffering for strength, the strength for hope, the hope to know, knowing what the world is for is to make us long for home.
This struck me as strange, but when I thought about it more deeply, it just made sense. Why else would we go through so much striving and so many tears other than to have them cease and be washed away- not here, but after this life.
It's just the beginning of my philosophy of religion class at community college, and the teacher is already asking rhetorical questions: Why is there hardship? Why are we here? What's the purpose of us striving for success, knowledge, 'making the world a better place'? It's really all the romance of God to bring us to Him. We endure these things out of obligation, and hopefully realize the purpose and make it out of love and hopeful longing.
God, we are passionate, impatient people, especially myself. Make me mindful of this plan you made with your son's coming to earth, my part in the romance, and the future of your bride.
And make me mindful and acting upon this TODAY. Amen.

Family- Oikos, Agape

Note: I don't intend for this to be read as a rant... There are just some feelings of frustration and anger I want to get out and surrender to God.

Oikos: the ancient Greek equivalent of a household, house, or family.

Agape: (Pretty legit definition, coming from online!) Love as revealed in Jesus, seen as spiritual and selfless; a model for humanity.

At camp, I am so elated and joyous about what God is doing in me, others around me, life in general- It reveals a part of heaven to me to have those I love and care about demonstrate and communicate how they love and support me as a sister in Christ.

I'm a little homesick for that community again-- As I was sure would happen at some point after leaving such a kind and loving environment that only camp provides.

Now, being at home, I'm realizing more and more just why I don't feel or know I am cared about:

(Many of these will come from the 'Five Love Languages')

- I don't have these needs met at home; I've communicated a few times to my parents about how __________ doesn't make me feel loved, but since this was during my earlier teenage years where I genuinely made everything about my feelings, letting myself get worked up about the smallest things, they didn't take any of it seriously.

----- Quality time

----- Words of encouragement

----- Acts of thoughtfulness

All of these made my stress levels last year increase double-fold. And while I thought for the longest time that I could talk it out with my parents and let them know about what I was feeling and hoped they could change, part of me understands how it's all become habit to them, or is a part of their personality (Example: Neither of my parents have ever been avidly compassionate on a day-to-day basis.) Habits/ personality are hard to change. I love them even if they don't want to change. But I know now that it's not my strength, or my actions (unless God-led) that are going to change their perspectives.

Lord, you are the giver of everything I need to feel loved, accepted, and embraced into the Kingdom, your heavenly Oikos. As I seek you for an Agape that will never fail, assist me to forgive the wrongs and be gracious with my family. Help me extend the love I am learning to understand, even though there might not be anything from them in return.

Let me not seek a prize, but seek your glory in their lives-- Perhaps you have placed me here to be an influence in this household.

The idea of going day-to-day without physical acts and words of encouragement scares me, but through YOU, all things are possible. You are a comforter and healer I can depend on no matter my location or frame of mind.

That being said, calm my heart and guide my steps into this day. Amen.

Update...

I recently started a blog about my adventures in the retail world, and have really enjoyed blogging about that so far-- Check it out; I may or may not be blogging more often on that page than on this one when the school year starts up: www.beinghishands.wordpress.com

Had a meaningful time at lunch with a friend today- It was so good to talk one on one with a close friend, especially after being at home for such a long period of time with thoughts brewing but no one to share them with. Community, I'm learning, is such a valuable resource.... Thanks, God, for the endless friendships we can make, connections to be made, and the gift of prayer.

Awakening the Dream

I was listening to a podcast from Grace Chapel this morning (man, do they ever challenge me to stretch and grow!) And Jon Furman spoke about Jeremiah. There was a specific section on the message that really resonated with me- The passage I often look to for simple reassurance and security has so much more to offer when you look at it's meaning through a different lens.

Jeremiah 29:11- For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

From the message: "Everything that is in your life is there for a reason- They connect to other things, and weave into the story God is telling, and it's OUR JOB to dream a BIGGER dream than what we have settled for.

Some of you,you've stood upon God's promises, you've lived it and are trying your best, and it hasn't paid off yet. I'm here to tell you that it's not because God doesn't care for you or because He isn't paying attention; it's because the TIME ISN'T RIGHT YET.

You've been doing the hard work, sacrificing, and you've been making the choices you need to make- God IS GOING to meet you in that.... Just at the RIGHT TIME. So, do not give up.

Some of you are around people who have given up/let go of a dream/become numb due to past experiences, etc. but most have fallen short because THEIR DREAMS for themselves were TOO SMALL. In the passage from Jeremiah, the word 'plans' can be directly translated into DREAMS. Therefore,I encourage you to get to the point DAILY in which, as you surrender yourself to His deeds, you grow entirely accustomed to living and a breathing a GROWING dream; the branches God uses are always being pruned little by little, watered drip by drip, and with an interested and open mind, God CAN and WILL use you for things beyond your WILDEST DREAMS."

----- While this school year has been the hardest, most draining and painful experience I have ever endured on my own, I recognize that God has been doing SO MUCH in the development of my own dreams. This year, I have come to see myself as an ambassador: I represent the works God has done, is doing, and will do: To partake in this forever-happening story is truly the one and only adventure of our lifetime.
I have had to lean on God for his COMPLETE PEACE- Something I could never gain on my own, but am in need of every day.
And foremost, God has been broadening my views of what I could do with my life by searching career choices. Lord, you are amazingly thoughtful to have created so many different choices and combinations of area to devote my time to--- As always, I give my life over to you as I dig up information to decide alongside your ultimate will which 'package' will bring you glory.
He's given me an amazing and new way to view people-- Being at community college all day, I get to see many different types of people passing by, observe social concepts and learn about God's expanding culture through the most bizarre and unique occurrences. He's given me a daily form of a science lab-- For me to use in my Sociology class (ha! Pretty handy!) and for my interests.
When I came to school this last fall, it didn't take long for me to realize how difficult this year was going to be. In the fullness of time, God HAS been faithful- I've gained everything I've needed, but in a radically different way than I would have ever dreamed in the beginning (isn't that SO like Him?)

I've.... learned, academically and spiritually
appreciated- opportunities and relationships
become self-sufficient and independent- recognizing and responding to my needs.
become more of a woman of God than I ever thought possible in what I thought was a 'dry time'spiritually- I confused not seeing any reward for my diligence with not being fruitful........ Which He COMPLETELY was. : )

Songs that warm my heart about this topic/ today: 'Dreamer' by Bethany Dillon
'You are Loved'- Josh Groban, 'Praise You in This Storm'- Casting Crowns, 'Stop and Listen'- Bethany Dillon.....<3

And good news! The Mexico trip is all-go!! And airfare seems to be affordable... Now to write put support letters and begin daily prayer for the experience. The village folk are immensely excited for us to be coming, as are we to serve in a little under 4 months!

Upon the Solid Rock... I stagger

For almost eight months now, I've been dabbling with the definition of adulthood: God has set me on the unique path of living at home while attending community college. While my parents and I level-headily made the decision for economic and financial reasons, it was not where I had pictured myself. Since embarking on this teeter-totter experience of balancing teenage to adult responsibilities and characteristics, I've picked up bits and pieces of the woman I want to become.

I intend for this blog to be a list of some sort- A personal means of conviction as I experiment with new goals in the world, but not of it. I'll post weekly assignments/ experiments, journal-like entries, bible studies, prayers, letters to God, etc.

A mixture of role models, spiritual stirrings, and personal time with God have led me here-

Through blogging, I hope to achieve, or at least provoke growth in the following areas:

-Independent thought

-Communication.... To write my thoughts as they come, as opposed to letting them wander through my head, serving no concrete purpose. I want to be well-spoken, and learn to share my passions with tact, in writing AND oral communication.

-Accomplishment: I've always had difficulty with finishing anything, but this project carries with it a sense of conviction, and endless opportunities for things to explore.

-Writing practice/increased knowledge and use of vocabulary

-Biblical foundations/strengthened relationship with God- Learning where my struggles connect with Jesus' & God's teachings, and how I can pull meaning/compare events from my life and the bible.

-A diary-like memoir of my college years, to look back and reflect on.

The title of this post has special significance: Lately, I've felt unsatisfied with my balance of life--

It's common knowledge that life cannot by any means be perfect, no matter how hard one tries, and I accept this as a means for God to work through flaws for His glory, however....

I've lacked a sense of self-worth, first letting seemingly insignificant things like laundry, organizing my school binder, cleaning my bathroom, etc. become last priority for a week or two. While being student and store clerk are my dominant roles, I've allowed them to justify laziness, affecting my home, my family, and my quality of life.

So, another goal I'd like to reach is a renewed sense of self worth and respect for the blessings God has given me: He has been exceedingly gracious to provide me with so much, that a self-derived feeling of apathy is a strong sign of disrespect. By wanting to make my home life, my work life, and school lively, upbeat, and staying attentive for God's leadings, I will understand how every thoughtful step in the right direction is a service of faith for His kingdom.

Throughout the bible, we are instructed to honor- Our fathers and mothers, our physical bodies, our friends, the Lord with our time. While He is my solid rock and firm foundation, I know I am human. I falter upon the concrete plans He has for me, afraid and insecure. In light of this, I desire strength and peace; to rely upon His grounding as I live out my intentions, being a doer of the word.

I deserve better than sinking sand. Therefore I take up your daily offer, God- To know and love you daily with the renewing of my mind. : )

Here's to a new week of loving you.............