Flighty

The past few weeks have been monumental. Yet, not monumental.
I keep feeling like I get to a place of decision, as if "this is the best combination I've found so far, so it MUST be the right decision." That sentence has so many things wrongs with it, as well as the combinations of things I seek to do from Fall 2011 to Spring 2012, that I've reached un utter stage of complete confusion.

Lord, WHY are there so many things for me to choose from?
Am I scared to choose? Have I lost the fire I might have "once had" for doing something like YWAM, or ministry- Or do I still have that abundant zealous love in my heart-- And is it present; can others see it? Or am I so scared/ confused that I've set it on the back burner and have let practicality play as the big decision maker?

I want so desperately to please you. And part of this is by honoring you first with anything I decide. Did I really pray about the options I have come up with; did I really sense a peace from you about pursuing any one choice?

I will, ultimately, have to choose ONE way. ONE path to ONE program, school, internship, or rounded purpose in which I can better certain skills of a topic I care to serve with.

School is not only a smart choice- it is

1. an option I am lucky to have and able to afford
2. becoming a part of the structure our society is today- There really is no denying that it will get in the way of doing something I'll want to someday.
3. An intentional time of seeking and skill building to do God's work during and after you're finished. (And I have definitely been failing at the 'during' part.)
4. A segway to final connections: to the work you WANT to be doing, the people you WANT to be in community with, and a life you ARE called to live in accordance to your passions and the Lord's movements through your attention to Him.

Why am I so restless, yet eager to stay where I'm at? Flighty, but ready for a take off?

Coffee date, inadequacy, and hunger pains

Augh. So convicted. So TIRED.

Had a mentally and spiritually trying day today. Not to say it wasn't good, but I'm in good need of some fellowship with the Holy Spirit versus algebra problems and even good friends at coffee.

Did not wake up thinking I'd be at such a struggling, wrestling match in my own heart....

Went to school, did math. Met with math teacher, worked more problems. Researched which classes I need to take in the spring, to graduate (!!!). Messed up transportation plans with the mama and came late to a coffee date with my mentor and other gals my age.

A sad realization has come to my attention: It's always kinda been lurking back there, among the things I'd rather not deal with... But it's out on the table now, gravy and all.

I am a person, with a great love for things that matter. Things that make impact, bring glory to God. I am an appreciator. I am an evaluator. I am a thinker.

BUT, I am a writer. A writer with perfectionist tendencies.

I've known for quite some time that I've loved to write. I've loved to twist words into meaning and set them free to inspire others. But hand in hand, perfectionism and appreciation of all things beautiful and of God's glory do not make a good couple. These things, in my mind and actions, have to part ways- They are not equally yoked traits; accumulatively unhealthy for this mind and heart who aches to grow with all God has marked her to be.

Augh. Perfectionism, adieu. You have been caught in the act. I am so overly concerned with SPEAKING and WRITING a certain way. I truly feel like I am at a point where this doesn't concern my looks or body image, but my confidence and spunk to simply be who I am with my words and comfort in my own skin.

Words influence. Christ reminds his people, through Proverbs that "the tongue has the power of life and death" (18:21).

I feel like, sometimes, I am overly careful of this, and I speak like someone else- Like a preacher or speaker whom I admire-- They aren't ME. I'm not THEM. It is, in a way, bashing God's design in the face to behave and speak differently than I am naturally behooved to do.

I feel like I'm better at writing- type or pen, than speaking face-to-face with people. I value eye contact. I value quality time, relating to each other, and sharing experiences.

I just feel like there has been a part of me still yet to be unleashed. And this will come with healing, a fill-up of Christ, a time of strengthening in who I KNOW I have been made to be, and quiet- learning to be OKAY with this wrestling at times, but always surrendering.

I wear myself out. Lord, step in here, please- You're here, you know what I'm doing, and how it makes me angry. It makes me want to rip my hair out at times. But you are in control, I trust you, and I know you have made a way for me, out of this confusing and mind-numbing time.

You are forever in control. And that is all.

Going to eat solid food, spend time in worship and quiet, and go to bed with NO HOMEWORK DONE. God, flood my tired soul.

This week has been an eye opener, to say the least-- I've broken down and cried about all things school and "I HATE my situation", etc.; taken a nap when I needed to be studying for Geology, and been asking God countless questions of WHY, and WHEN?

WHY am I here, in this time and place, without things I thought I needed to survive- Close friendships, church messages that I can relate to, a driver's liscence??

WHEN, O Lord, will I feel things 'fall into place' enough for me to know what to pursue- What dream takes hold of heart enough to reach for it at full throttle?

Well, at least that's been the whiny "God, where are you?" side of me for the week. He is present in the things I so easily dismiss. He IS giving me the daily bread I need to survive and thrive on.

In the applications/future/ YWAM plans department, I am exceedingly excited to finish up my applications, send them off, and hear back from my top two or three choices (now in Wisconsin: http://www.ywammadison.org/dts/kids-at-risk/ and Colorado: http://www.ywamsf.org/dtsjusticeandmercy.html) I am having a more difficult time then I thought I would with answering some of the spiritual questions from one application. (But, I'm impressed with their gesture to include this in the application! Definitely made me want to pursue this one as my top choice!)

I got bored after a midterm (!!! First time I've been able to be bored all term!!), and found these pictures- One of a YWAM class (my heart just lept for joy at this one- It makes me so excited and joyful to know there is some form of this kind of learning to follow my time here!)
Aaaand, a dorky school picture, which I thought was hilarious. Reminds me of my dorky, way-to-analytical geology lab partners.

Lord, you lead me in ways I don't fully know until I've made the actual step. Let this be true with school- That either during or after my time finishing this associates degree, you would reveal yourself , your changes made in me-- May I be encouraged by this, enough to be reminded that my time, my resources, my work here- Is truly NOT my own. You make this mind think, these hands do good works, and this voice speak your truth. May all that be done, while hallowed is Your name.

My day IS yours.



















Reminder to me, in recent times of worry over finances for YWAM:
No matter how much support we have, our problems with finances haven't been solved until we are determined to do the Lord's will with a joyful heart, whether or not we have money. God will be very cautious about releasing finances to us if we haven't dealt with this issue.
--Jim Stier, 'Money is Not the Problem'

http://www.missionaryfundraiser.com/ywam-support-raising-thoughts.html