Note: I don't intend for this to be read as a rant... There are just some feelings of frustration and anger I want to get out and surrender to God.
Agape: (Pretty legit definition, coming from online!) Love as revealed in Jesus, seen as spiritual and selfless; a model for humanity.
At camp, I am so elated and joyous about what God is doing in me, others around me, life in general- It reveals a part of heaven to me to have those I love and care about demonstrate and communicate how they love and support me as a sister in Christ.
I'm a little homesick for that community again-- As I was sure would happen at some point after leaving such a kind and loving environment that only camp provides.
Now, being at home, I'm realizing more and more just why I don't feel or know I am cared about:
(Many of these will come from the 'Five Love Languages')
- I don't have these needs met at home; I've communicated a few times to my parents about how __________ doesn't make me feel loved, but since this was during my earlier teenage years where I genuinely made everything about my feelings, letting myself get worked up about the smallest things, they didn't take any of it seriously.
----- Quality time
----- Words of encouragement
----- Acts of thoughtfulness
All of these made my stress levels last year increase double-fold. And while I thought for the longest time that I could talk it out with my parents and let them know about what I was feeling and hoped they could change, part of me understands how it's all become habit to them, or is a part of their personality (Example: Neither of my parents have ever been avidly compassionate on a day-to-day basis.) Habits/ personality are hard to change. I love them even if they don't want to change. But I know now that it's not my strength, or my actions (unless God-led) that are going to change their perspectives.
Lord, you are the giver of everything I need to feel loved, accepted, and embraced into the Kingdom, your heavenly Oikos. As I seek you for an Agape that will never fail, assist me to forgive the wrongs and be gracious with my family. Help me extend the love I am learning to understand, even though there might not be anything from them in return.
Let me not seek a prize, but seek your glory in their lives-- Perhaps you have placed me here to be an influence in this household.
The idea of going day-to-day without physical acts and words of encouragement scares me, but through YOU, all things are possible. You are a comforter and healer I can depend on no matter my location or frame of mind.
That being said, calm my heart and guide my steps into this day. Amen.
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