Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Full of Nothing

Hello. It's been too long since I've blogged, as usual, and I don't like this pattern!
I decided over spring break to take this next term off and work full time, at as many places that will take me until I leave for my --can you believe it--- internship- at Antioch church in Bend this summer. I've gotten a job for a couple of weeks at my college bookstore, and am juggling whatever hours I can at Joanns. I am looking for, applying, and making endless calls to craigslist ads and possible places for every position from sandwich making to dog grooming... Its just hard to find a place that is okay with hiring you for a month and a half... : / But my hopes are high, and my God is good- I really feel peace about this decision to get priorities straightened and rest in Him for this time as I prepare and pray for what may be a life-changing summer.

As for the fall, my heart is boggled. Like I keep find letters that make words--- Combinations of possibilities that MAKE SENSE, or that I say I'll pray about, but end up getting tossed around because of my doubts or unbelief, or sit and rot while I let the combination go to waste because I'm not sure if it's "the" one.

This predicament I continue to get myself into is what I'm learning to be a "full of nothing" situation.

I want time to rest in knowledge that God has a plan for my life, while learning about passions already stirring in my heart, while meeting and beginning relationships with people who strengthen and inspire me to worship the Lord with my life, while basking in a time away from the world I currently call home (is it possible that I have more than one?)

I'm noticing a disconnect so much more than ever between my standards and those of the place I live and participate in as a woman, a daughter, a voter, a student, a worker.... etc. titles. The priorities and assumed values of these positions aren't consistent with my own as an individual, as a child of God, as a modern day abolitionist, as a writer, as a dreamer, as an advocate for justice, as a FOLLOWER.

I'm not looking for a total escape from these discrepancies- it's impossible to avoid contact with all corrupt patterns of this world. We're called be ON the earth; so they come along with the territory of loving actively, being justice, and walking humbly with our God....At least in this life.....

I watched 'Eat Pray Love' for the first time a couple of days ago. And, all religious, spiritual, and other conflicting points of view aside from what I believe to be true, I got it.
It clicked with me when she wanted to savor beauty, experience culture and values outside of ones' birthright, and grasp what higher power existed in her personal life.

I don't feel like I'm living to the full potential God created me to live up to when I settle for the challenges of the place where I'm at right now. Granted, that's a hard statement to be sure of, but I'm trusting this conviction is what God has for me to act on.

So, I'm praying and heavily seeking the Lord's guidance about YWAM for this fall. That's also why I'm working full time- It's a big wad of money, a lot of time and commitment, but it's really where my heart is at. It's all I keep coming back to for what I WANT to be doing.

About $7,500 for September through June.... Think I can raise it/ make it by then?

Thursday, March 10, 2011

wrestling match

i have this habit
i know we all do...
but i recognize it as excessive
and i'm noticing it's choke on me

i think too much
don't pray enough
but expect a path to clear
and lay itself before me

then when one DOES appear...
is it really there?
is it valid, or am i hoping it up in my head or my heart?

honest and truly.
wish someone would shake me hard,
give me a map,
and send me off to learn a little
humilityfaithempathygratefullness....
contentedness in the compass i DO have.

i take it all for granted.
and am writhing at that conceit
but don't want to leave the ground;
too afraid to lose my homestead-feet.

i want adventure, but at what risk, Lord?
anxious and worried to live in my old homes,
shutting out the new and undiscovered.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

The Color of Christ...

I've been thinking about 'Go Green' for a couple of weeks now- about little things I could do everyday with resources, actions, and mindsets to use God's tools he gave to us effectively and with purpose.

I feel so very privileged to live in a state, (or a country, more like it!) where people are starting to come closer to terms with reality-- to learn about what we use to live, and be in thought about how our choices can directly affect the way we care for God's earth.

In sociology class (taught by the amazing professor Kim Smith, M.D.!!), we took an online survey to calculate approximately how many planets it would take if everybody lived one individuals' life. It measured a use of food, clothing, transportation, electricity, water... the list goes on. At the hit of the 'submit' button, results showed that for my lifestyle (which I would originally have said was more meager than typical) would take 5 planets if the whole population were to be sustained equally.

I was, and still am, totally flabbergasted.

Of course, it is always wise to take these mind-boggling realizations with a grain of salt. Calculations are rough- there are SO many variables to include, the population is in constant flux, and the things I do and use change on a day-to-day basis.
BUT, to take these things with intended wisdom does not mean to ignore them either.

It's one thing to think, "If I make a point to do ______ , what REAL change is this going to make?" (And the common result of this thought process is to revert to the old. the most comfortable. the out-of-sight, out-of-mind way of "dealing" with results of our consumption.

What if, and call me a hippie, what if...
  • We took accountability in the way we consumed?
  • We CARED for the way we are provided for- "Wow, Lord- THANK YOU for this shirt, this piece of bread.... Thanks for showing me how you love me through providing my needs."
  • We consciously considered that the ways in which we use things directly affects the lives of other people? (Ethical, local, organic... Are these just fancy tags to rack up prices-- what do they stand for? Or regular run-of-the-mill products and services?)
  • We made the effort to love God through the way we used the tools He gave us?
Search for what those things may mean on your own, in your heart and mind.

It is not to be ignored when the Lord said to "replenish the earth, and subdue it"

To "have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the heavens, and over the livestock and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth” (Gen. 1:26) undoubtedly means we have an encompassing DUTY to act in accordance to God's love for His creation, in whatever way He reveals just to you.

As scary as activism may seem, the Lord calls us to act. And what are we saying about His handiwork and His loving command to see that it is used in an upright manner, if we do not uphold this commandment to care and keep this space we have to worship Him with?

Lord, show us how to "Go Green"- in the way You deem righteous; a stance that puts Your love first...

What might these ideas mean for you in your everyday lives?
Pray and think along with me....