Full of Nothing

Hello. It's been too long since I've blogged, as usual, and I don't like this pattern!

I decided over spring break to take this next term off and work full time, at as many places that will take me until I leave for my --can you believe it--- internship- at Antioch church in Bend this summer. I've gotten a job for a couple of weeks at my college bookstore, and am juggling whatever hours I can at Joanns. I am looking for, applying, and making endless calls to craigslist ads and possible places for every position from sandwich making to dog grooming... Its just hard to find a place that is okay with hiring you for a month and a half... : / But my hopes are high, and my God is good- I really feel peace about this decision to get priorities straightened and rest in Him for this time as I prepare and pray for what may be a life-changing summer.

As for the fall, my heart is boggled. Like I keep find letters that make words--- Combinations of possibilities that MAKE SENSE, or that I say I'll pray about, but end up getting tossed around because of my doubts or unbelief, or sit and rot while I let the combination go to waste because I'm not sure if it's "the" one.

This predicament I continue to get myself into is what I'm learning to be a "full of nothing" situation.

I want time to rest in knowledge that God has a plan for my life, while learning about passions already stirring in my heart, while meeting and beginning relationships with people who strengthen and inspire me to worship the Lord with my life, while basking in a time away from the world I currently call home (is it possible that I have more than one?)

I'm noticing a disconnect so much more than ever between my standards and those of the place I live and participate in as a woman, a daughter, a voter, a student, a worker.... etc. titles. The priorities and assumed values of these positions aren't consistent with my own as an individual, as a child of God, as a modern day abolitionist, as a writer, as a dreamer, as an advocate for justice, as a FOLLOWER.

I'm not looking for a total escape from these discrepancies- it's impossible to avoid contact with all corrupt patterns of this world. We're called be ON the earth; so they come along with the territory of loving actively, being justice, and walking humbly with our God....At least in this life.....

I watched 'Eat Pray Love' for the first time a couple of days ago. And, all religious, spiritual, and other conflicting points of view aside from what I believe to be true, I got it.

It clicked with me when she wanted to savor beauty, experience culture and values outside of ones' birthright, and grasp what higher power existed in her personal life.

I don't feel like I'm living to the full potential God created me to live up to when I settle for the challenges of the place where I'm at right now. Granted, that's a hard statement to be sure of, but I'm trusting this conviction is what God has for me to act on.

So, I'm praying and heavily seeking the Lord's guidance about YWAM for this fall. That's also why I'm working full time- It's a big wad of money, a lot of time and commitment, but it's really where my heart is at. It's all I keep coming back to for what I WANT to be doing.

About $7,500 for September through June.... Think I can raise it/ make it by then?