A fellow intern has been posting daily about things that get to her heart and head, in a more abstract way than I'm used to-- And I'm thinking I'll try to let things splat onto paper versus plan out ways to bring up each topic. It's a freer way of writing and sounds more like a conversation than a formal journal entry.
Option day was today- There were choices to bike, go to Crater lake, and a couple of boating trips- I was lucky enough to get into the all-day boating trip with John Wytsma and Brian Rey.
Drove to the Prineville reservoir, hung out on a small side beach playing frisbee and reading, and folks went inter tubing and wake boarding. So much fun to tube, and to watch people muster up their strength on the board. Didn't get the courage to try it this time, but no doubt that I'll conquer it at some point. : )
I'm no longer restless with the fact that I haven't found a job yet. Occasionally nervous and apprehensive, maybe, but it's becoming easier to trust that God will pave a way, in a job I like or not, to prove His provisions and keep me here. I did find out a few more job opportunities to look into (and in places I'm actually interested in!) by talking with John and Brian. They say it's all about the people you know in Bend. Through prayer and petition, I trust God will lead me to the right people and situations.
There's something about the rain (which has been coming down in the last couple of days) that makes me miss Portland. Sure, rain is everywhere, and I love Bend so much, but there are things about your hometown that just stick to your bones. No matter how much I think I've fallen in love with Bend, these feelings of Portland nostalgia pull hard on my heart... And at times where I least expect it.
I was re-reading Donald Miller's 'Through Painted Deserts' today, and even though I could quote half the book and get my point across because his writing is so rich and easy to relate to, there were a few parts that stuck out to me more than they had in the past:
Everybody has to change, or they expire. Everybody has to leave, everybody has to leave their home and come back so they can love it again for all new reasons.
I want to keep my soul fertile for changes, so things keep getting born in me, so things keep dying when it is time for them to die. I want to keep walking away from the person I was a moment ago, because a mind was made to figure things out, not to read the same page recurrently.
There are just about a million and a half ways I can relate to these truths.
I moved for change, no matter how much I thought it was out of convenience or for what I thought were primarily logical reasons-- But then again, who says pursuing CHANGE isn't for logical reasons?
I've been feeling unambitious, because I can't make my mind up for the fall, and I can't get a more clear sound of where the Lord wants me to take a step. It's been scary to embrace uncertainty (a topic I've very much been in prayer and thought about, and reading vigorously), in not knowing things. Before this summer, I might have said it was scary to 'not have a plan'. But with some much needed perspective shifting, God convicted me of whose plans really exist and matter. There really is no such thing as my own plan-- My constructs of school, work, a place to live, church, ministry, and relationships only stand to be laid at my father's feet in prayer and surrender, to which I must have a trusting and joyful heart no matter the outcome.
I believe God meets us when we place ourselves in uncomfortable, stretching circumstances, when we have a heart seeking to grow from His presence in them. I see this in my social circle's travels, unexpected life changes, missions, marriage, raising kids, school, the list can and does go on for miles. In these physical or spiritual miles we walk in stride with Christ, He leads. He instructs. And I'm coming to realize my journey coming and being here will be an amazing adventure, with twists and turns down an inevitably bumpy yet joy-filled road that I couldn't begin to craft with the creativity and care He utilizes.
I love Portland for new reasons. Researching sex trafficking ratios and growth patterns burns my soul in ways I didn't know were possible. That's MY town, and God's people. My neighbors. The physical location is beautiful and distraught. I can't help but feel an obligation to pray, with a more succinct understanding of the city's pains, and know that God placed me there through childhood for a specific purpose.
To have a fertile soul, where I'm growing consistently- Communication with the Lord is a must. And a natural desire of my heart. After hearing Wytsma's first sermon of 'Heaven and Hell' last Sunday, I've been challenged to seek God in ways that go past feeling his presence, or doing doctrine for a sense of security--- I'm visiting the Lord in prayer about what a relationship looks like to Him. It's never something we will fully grasp, but it's been encouraging and forthright to see how He yearns to know us through noticing creation, friendships, and the countless blessings that shower my week.
There's more, but it's sunny outside, and it's nap time. : )
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