Had a mentally and spiritually trying day today. Not to say it wasn't good, but I'm in good need of some fellowship with the Holy Spirit versus algebra problems and even good friends at coffee.
Did not wake up thinking I'd be at such a struggling, wrestling match in my own heart....
Went to school, did math. Met with math teacher, worked more problems. Researched which classes I need to take in the spring, to graduate (!!!). Messed up transportation plans with the mama and came late to a coffee date with my mentor and other gals my age.
A sad realization has come to my attention: It's always kinda been lurking back there, among the things I'd rather not deal with... But it's out on the table now, gravy and all.
I am a person, with a great love for things that matter. Things that make impact, bring glory to God. I am an appreciator. I am an evaluator. I am a thinker.
BUT, I am a writer. A writer with perfectionist tendencies.
I've known for quite some time that I've loved to write. I've loved to twist words into meaning and set them free to inspire others. But hand in hand, perfectionism and appreciation of all things beautiful and of God's glory do not make a good couple. These things, in my mind and actions, have to part ways- They are not equally yoked traits; accumulatively unhealthy for this mind and heart who aches to grow with all God has marked her to be.
Augh. Perfectionism, adieu. You have been caught in the act. I am so overly concerned with SPEAKING and WRITING a certain way. I truly feel like I am at a point where this doesn't concern my looks or body image, but my confidence and spunk to simply be who I am with my words and comfort in my own skin.
Words influence. Christ reminds his people, through Proverbs that "the tongue has the power of life and death" (18:21).
I feel like, sometimes, I am overly careful of this, and I speak like someone else- Like a preacher or speaker whom I admire-- They aren't ME. I'm not THEM. It is, in a way, bashing God's design in the face to behave and speak differently than I am naturally behooved to do.
I feel like I'm better at writing- type or pen, than speaking face-to-face with people. I value eye contact. I value quality time, relating to each other, and sharing experiences.
I just feel like there has been a part of me still yet to be unleashed. And this will come with healing, a fill-up of Christ, a time of strengthening in who I KNOW I have been made to be, and quiet- learning to be OKAY with this wrestling at times, but always surrendering.
I wear myself out. Lord, step in here, please- You're here, you know what I'm doing, and how it makes me angry. It makes me want to rip my hair out at times. But you are in control, I trust you, and I know you have made a way for me, out of this confusing and mind-numbing time.
You are forever in control. And that is all.
Going to eat solid food, spend time in worship and quiet, and go to bed with NO HOMEWORK DONE. God, flood my tired soul.
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