Full of Nothing

Hello. It's been too long since I've blogged, as usual, and I don't like this pattern!

I decided over spring break to take this next term off and work full time, at as many places that will take me until I leave for my --can you believe it--- internship- at Antioch church in Bend this summer. I've gotten a job for a couple of weeks at my college bookstore, and am juggling whatever hours I can at Joanns. I am looking for, applying, and making endless calls to craigslist ads and possible places for every position from sandwich making to dog grooming... Its just hard to find a place that is okay with hiring you for a month and a half... : / But my hopes are high, and my God is good- I really feel peace about this decision to get priorities straightened and rest in Him for this time as I prepare and pray for what may be a life-changing summer.

As for the fall, my heart is boggled. Like I keep find letters that make words--- Combinations of possibilities that MAKE SENSE, or that I say I'll pray about, but end up getting tossed around because of my doubts or unbelief, or sit and rot while I let the combination go to waste because I'm not sure if it's "the" one.

This predicament I continue to get myself into is what I'm learning to be a "full of nothing" situation.

I want time to rest in knowledge that God has a plan for my life, while learning about passions already stirring in my heart, while meeting and beginning relationships with people who strengthen and inspire me to worship the Lord with my life, while basking in a time away from the world I currently call home (is it possible that I have more than one?)

I'm noticing a disconnect so much more than ever between my standards and those of the place I live and participate in as a woman, a daughter, a voter, a student, a worker.... etc. titles. The priorities and assumed values of these positions aren't consistent with my own as an individual, as a child of God, as a modern day abolitionist, as a writer, as a dreamer, as an advocate for justice, as a FOLLOWER.

I'm not looking for a total escape from these discrepancies- it's impossible to avoid contact with all corrupt patterns of this world. We're called be ON the earth; so they come along with the territory of loving actively, being justice, and walking humbly with our God....At least in this life.....

I watched 'Eat Pray Love' for the first time a couple of days ago. And, all religious, spiritual, and other conflicting points of view aside from what I believe to be true, I got it.

It clicked with me when she wanted to savor beauty, experience culture and values outside of ones' birthright, and grasp what higher power existed in her personal life.

I don't feel like I'm living to the full potential God created me to live up to when I settle for the challenges of the place where I'm at right now. Granted, that's a hard statement to be sure of, but I'm trusting this conviction is what God has for me to act on.

So, I'm praying and heavily seeking the Lord's guidance about YWAM for this fall. That's also why I'm working full time- It's a big wad of money, a lot of time and commitment, but it's really where my heart is at. It's all I keep coming back to for what I WANT to be doing.

About $7,500 for September through June.... Think I can raise it/ make it by then?

wrestling match

i have this habit
i know we all do...
but i recognize it as excessive
and i'm noticing it's choke on me

i think too much
don't pray enough
but expect a path to clear
and lay itself before me

then when one DOES appear...
is it really there?
is it valid, or am i hoping it up in my head or my heart?

honest and truly.
wish someone would shake me hard,
give me a map,
and send me off to learn a little
humilityfaithempathygratefullness....
contentedness in the compass i DO have.

i take it all for granted.
and am writhing at that conceit
but don't want to leave the ground;
too afraid to lose my homestead-feet.

i want adventure, but at what risk, Lord?
anxious and worried to live in my old homes,
shutting out the new and undiscovered.

The Color of Christ...

I've been thinking about 'Go Green' for a couple of weeks now- about little things I could do everyday with resources, actions, and mindsets to use God's tools he gave to us effectively and with purpose.

I feel so very privileged to live in a state, (or a country, more like it!) where people are starting to come closer to terms with reality-- to learn about what we use to live, and be in thought about how our choices can directly affect the way we care for God's earth.

In sociology class (taught by the amazing professor Kim Smith, M.D.!!), we took an online survey to calculate approximately how many planets it would take if everybody lived one individuals' life. It measured a use of food, clothing, transportation, electricity, water... the list goes on. At the hit of the 'submit' button, results showed that for my lifestyle (which I would originally have said was more meager than typical) would take 5 planets if the whole population were to be sustained equally.

I was, and still am, totally flabbergasted.

Of course, it is always wise to take these mind-boggling realizations with a grain of salt. Calculations are rough- there are SO many variables to include, the population is in constant flux, and the things I do and use change on a day-to-day basis.

BUT, to take these things with intended wisdom does not mean to ignore them either.

It's one thing to think, "If I make a point to do ______ , what REAL change is this going to make?" (And the common result of this thought process is to revert to the old. the most comfortable. the out-of-sight, out-of-mind way of "dealing" with results of our consumption.

What if, and call me a hippie, what if...

• We took accountability in the way we consumed?
• We CARED for the way we are provided for- "Wow, Lord- THANK YOU for this shirt, this piece of bread.... Thanks for showing me how you love me through providing my needs."
• We consciously considered that the ways in which we use things directly affects the lives of other people? (Ethical, local, organic... Are these just fancy tags to rack up prices-- what do they stand for? Or regular run-of-the-mill products and services?)
• We made the effort to love God through the way we used the tools He gave us?

Search for what those things may mean on your own, in your heart and mind.

It is not to be ignored when the Lord said to "replenish the earth, and subdue it"

To "have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the heavens, and over the livestock and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth” (Gen. 1:26) undoubtedly means we have an encompassing DUTY to act in accordance to God's love for His creation, in whatever way He reveals just to you.

As scary as activism may seem, the Lord calls us to act. And what are we saying about His handiwork and His loving command to see that it is used in an upright manner, if we do not uphold this commandment to care and keep this space we have to worship Him with?

Lord, show us how to "Go Green"- in the way You deem righteous; a stance that puts Your love first...

What might these ideas mean for you in your everyday lives?

Pray and think along with me....

Flighty

The past few weeks have been monumental. Yet, not monumental.
I keep feeling like I get to a place of decision, as if "this is the best combination I've found so far, so it MUST be the right decision." That sentence has so many things wrongs with it, as well as the combinations of things I seek to do from Fall 2011 to Spring 2012, that I've reached un utter stage of complete confusion.

Lord, WHY are there so many things for me to choose from?
Am I scared to choose? Have I lost the fire I might have "once had" for doing something like YWAM, or ministry- Or do I still have that abundant zealous love in my heart-- And is it present; can others see it? Or am I so scared/ confused that I've set it on the back burner and have let practicality play as the big decision maker?

I want so desperately to please you. And part of this is by honoring you first with anything I decide. Did I really pray about the options I have come up with; did I really sense a peace from you about pursuing any one choice?

I will, ultimately, have to choose ONE way. ONE path to ONE program, school, internship, or rounded purpose in which I can better certain skills of a topic I care to serve with.

School is not only a smart choice- it is

1. an option I am lucky to have and able to afford
2. becoming a part of the structure our society is today- There really is no denying that it will get in the way of doing something I'll want to someday.
3. An intentional time of seeking and skill building to do God's work during and after you're finished. (And I have definitely been failing at the 'during' part.)
4. A segway to final connections: to the work you WANT to be doing, the people you WANT to be in community with, and a life you ARE called to live in accordance to your passions and the Lord's movements through your attention to Him.

Why am I so restless, yet eager to stay where I'm at? Flighty, but ready for a take off?

Coffee date, inadequacy, and hunger pains

Augh. So convicted. So TIRED.

Had a mentally and spiritually trying day today. Not to say it wasn't good, but I'm in good need of some fellowship with the Holy Spirit versus algebra problems and even good friends at coffee.

Did not wake up thinking I'd be at such a struggling, wrestling match in my own heart....

Went to school, did math. Met with math teacher, worked more problems. Researched which classes I need to take in the spring, to graduate (!!!). Messed up transportation plans with the mama and came late to a coffee date with my mentor and other gals my age.

A sad realization has come to my attention: It's always kinda been lurking back there, among the things I'd rather not deal with... But it's out on the table now, gravy and all.

I am a person, with a great love for things that matter. Things that make impact, bring glory to God. I am an appreciator. I am an evaluator. I am a thinker.

BUT, I am a writer. A writer with perfectionist tendencies.

I've known for quite some time that I've loved to write. I've loved to twist words into meaning and set them free to inspire others. But hand in hand, perfectionism and appreciation of all things beautiful and of God's glory do not make a good couple. These things, in my mind and actions, have to part ways- They are not equally yoked traits; accumulatively unhealthy for this mind and heart who aches to grow with all God has marked her to be.

Augh. Perfectionism, adieu. You have been caught in the act. I am so overly concerned with SPEAKING and WRITING a certain way. I truly feel like I am at a point where this doesn't concern my looks or body image, but my confidence and spunk to simply be who I am with my words and comfort in my own skin.

Words influence. Christ reminds his people, through Proverbs that "the tongue has the power of life and death" (18:21).

I feel like, sometimes, I am overly careful of this, and I speak like someone else- Like a preacher or speaker whom I admire-- They aren't ME. I'm not THEM. It is, in a way, bashing God's design in the face to behave and speak differently than I am naturally behooved to do.

I feel like I'm better at writing- type or pen, than speaking face-to-face with people. I value eye contact. I value quality time, relating to each other, and sharing experiences.

I just feel like there has been a part of me still yet to be unleashed. And this will come with healing, a fill-up of Christ, a time of strengthening in who I KNOW I have been made to be, and quiet- learning to be OKAY with this wrestling at times, but always surrendering.

I wear myself out. Lord, step in here, please- You're here, you know what I'm doing, and how it makes me angry. It makes me want to rip my hair out at times. But you are in control, I trust you, and I know you have made a way for me, out of this confusing and mind-numbing time.

You are forever in control. And that is all.

Going to eat solid food, spend time in worship and quiet, and go to bed with NO HOMEWORK DONE. God, flood my tired soul.

This week has been an eye opener, to say the least-- I've broken down and cried about all things school and "I HATE my situation", etc.; taken a nap when I needed to be studying for Geology, and been asking God countless questions of WHY, and WHEN?

WHY am I here, in this time and place, without things I thought I needed to survive- Close friendships, church messages that I can relate to, a driver's liscence??

WHEN, O Lord, will I feel things 'fall into place' enough for me to know what to pursue- What dream takes hold of heart enough to reach for it at full throttle?

Well, at least that's been the whiny "God, where are you?" side of me for the week. He is present in the things I so easily dismiss. He IS giving me the daily bread I need to survive and thrive on.

In the applications/future/ YWAM plans department, I am exceedingly excited to finish up my applications, send them off, and hear back from my top two or three choices (now in Wisconsin: http://www.ywammadison.org/dts/kids-at-risk/ and Colorado: http://www.ywamsf.org/dtsjusticeandmercy.html) I am having a more difficult time then I thought I would with answering some of the spiritual questions from one application. (But, I'm impressed with their gesture to include this in the application! Definitely made me want to pursue this one as my top choice!)

I got bored after a midterm (!!! First time I've been able to be bored all term!!), and found these pictures- One of a YWAM class (my heart just lept for joy at this one- It makes me so excited and joyful to know there is some form of this kind of learning to follow my time here!)
Aaaand, a dorky school picture, which I thought was hilarious. Reminds me of my dorky, way-to-analytical geology lab partners.

Lord, you lead me in ways I don't fully know until I've made the actual step. Let this be true with school- That either during or after my time finishing this associates degree, you would reveal yourself , your changes made in me-- May I be encouraged by this, enough to be reminded that my time, my resources, my work here- Is truly NOT my own. You make this mind think, these hands do good works, and this voice speak your truth. May all that be done, while hallowed is Your name.

My day IS yours.



















Reminder to me, in recent times of worry over finances for YWAM:
No matter how much support we have, our problems with finances haven't been solved until we are determined to do the Lord's will with a joyful heart, whether or not we have money. God will be very cautious about releasing finances to us if we haven't dealt with this issue.
--Jim Stier, 'Money is Not the Problem'

http://www.missionaryfundraiser.com/ywam-support-raising-thoughts.html

Forward

As far as I can tell, this older man walks his dog most everyday.

Without fail, without worry, but in perfect stride with a routine of devout intention

On meeting needs.

I, who struggle to clean that stray plate or schedule that dentist appointment,

am at first, jealous of assumed "time" to enjoy this finery- "Oh, how I wish I could do the same."

Next; pinned to the wall with conviction-"Wait-- this is a choice made, aside from restrictions."

And finally, "Oh, how I wish I would do this."

A lack of want and effort, inside man-made confines of "schedule" take the blame.

Resources are really useless, if not yoked to a purpose of both heart AND mind.

So, Lord-- Would you once again, make me thirsty for the 'wants' that make my soul a faithful kind?